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palfrey at 12:18am on 10/02/2004
palfrey at 12:18am on 10/02/2004I'm not sure whether I should write this down. Not because of anyone else, but because of me. I remember clearly why I stopped writing a diary before - because what I write down becomes my history in a certain way. Whatever gets written, gets amplified. It's a memory aid in a way, because I trust myself to write down what happened, but I never write down *everything*, because often I can't (there aren't the words) or I don't want to (not important enough to write it, trying to avoid feedback loop of writing about the writing. Shit, already there..).
Having considered all of this, in a way I want to chart my mental evolution, I want to know the steps I went through, because too often I only remember the end result, and I'd like to know myself better. So here's what I realised. It's coming up to Valentine's day, and despite the fact that I don't believe in the concept of saints, and that I've *never* had a person I can count as a valentine (unsure if I've ever recieved one, but if I have it was a very long time ago. OTOH, I once recieved a note from a girl that I've never met. It's a thing of beauty that small piece of paper. I still have it at home, and I still look at it occasionally and think), I still get affected. A combination of my generic loneliness + various possibles, none of which will come true. Usually that's a guess, but right now it's true. I still haven't found my kith again here yet.
So what's the thought, what's the specific thing that has me annoyed/wondering/pissed off? Specifically, that I've remembered/realised that I don't actually know the gender of the last person I kissed.... yeah. I thought the last person I kissed was Ruth, back 18 months ago, but I remembered this, and suddenly that certainty got broken down. Here's a picture of the unknown. Some memories of that still there, despite alcohol fuzz. Damnit. I want my certainty back. AEGEE party over friday 13th/valentine's, so maybe.
(There's another memory in all the old photos, well a gap that I know is there, because I made it so. And hence one of the reasons why I don't have any pics of Ruth (that and I lost the other one last time an HDD died on me))
Having considered all of this, in a way I want to chart my mental evolution, I want to know the steps I went through, because too often I only remember the end result, and I'd like to know myself better. So here's what I realised. It's coming up to Valentine's day, and despite the fact that I don't believe in the concept of saints, and that I've *never* had a person I can count as a valentine (unsure if I've ever recieved one, but if I have it was a very long time ago. OTOH, I once recieved a note from a girl that I've never met. It's a thing of beauty that small piece of paper. I still have it at home, and I still look at it occasionally and think), I still get affected. A combination of my generic loneliness + various possibles, none of which will come true. Usually that's a guess, but right now it's true. I still haven't found my kith again here yet.
So what's the thought, what's the specific thing that has me annoyed/wondering/pissed off? Specifically, that I've remembered/realised that I don't actually know the gender of the last person I kissed.... yeah. I thought the last person I kissed was Ruth, back 18 months ago, but I remembered this, and suddenly that certainty got broken down. Here's a picture of the unknown. Some memories of that still there, despite alcohol fuzz. Damnit. I want my certainty back. AEGEE party over friday 13th/valentine's, so maybe.
(There's another memory in all the old photos, well a gap that I know is there, because I made it so. And hence one of the reasons why I don't have any pics of Ruth (that and I lost the other one last time an HDD died on me))
anxious
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